going going gone
by llyrax
Summary: Dean stared down at the face of his little brother. Eyes closed, pale skin, but looking more peaceful than he did the last few years. ...After Sam commits suicide Dean has to identify his brother's body and tries to understand why he ended his own life. trigger warning for themes of suicide!


Hello everyone,

this is the first fanfiction I ever wrote and I really hope it turned out okay. I'm afraid that this story may contain some grammar errors because English is not my mother tongue.

This story contains a suicide so if this triggers you in any way please don't read.

Alright, enjoy the story!

going going gone

I'm closin' the book  
On the pages and the text  
And I don't really care  
What happens next  
I'm just going  
I'm going  
I'm gone

Bob Dylan – Going Going Gone

Dean stared down at the face of his little brother. Eyes closed, pale skin, but looking more peaceful than he did the last few years. Sam always used to have a worried expression on his face. No wonder, considering all the shit they- he went through.

But still, Dean should have realized something was wrong. After all, Sam was his responsibility. It was his job, his only job, to look after his pain-in-the-ass little brother. Making sure he was happy. But it was not until now that he discovered that Sam wasn't happy, right? He was broken and suffering and Dean didn't even notice it until it was too late.

„Excuse me, Sir."

Dean looked up in surprise. Damn. He had completely forgotten that he wasn't alone in the room. He had blocked everything from his mind except for his little brother lying on a cold metal table, half covered under a grey shroud.

„Sir? Is this man your brother?", the officer asked.

„I- what?"

„Is this your brother? You were brought here to identify his body. We thought you might have details about his identity, since he didn't carry an ID or anything with him. All we know is that he was found in the forest by a few hikers two days ago. Both of his wrists are cut open so all signs indicate that he commited suicide."

Dean just continued staring at Sam. He was unable to talk. Unable to think about anything or anyone else but Sam. Sam lying there. Cold. Dead.

„Sir? Can you hear me?"

He flinched, finally looking up from the body in front of him.

„What? Yes- Yes of course- I- I just-"

„I'm sorry, but the faster we get through these formalities, the faster Ican leave you alone."

Dean nodded absently.

„His name is Sam- Sam Winchester", he said, not even thinking about giving a false name to the officer.

„He is 32 years old. He's my little brother. He is my brother for god's sake and I let him down- ! I- I failed! I was supposed to look after him but he died- and I- I just-"

Dean stumbled backwards against the cold wall and slid down to the floor. The police officer rushed towards him and tried to help but the hunter didn't care.

„Sir! I'm sorry. We don't have to get through this stuff now. I will call help for you. Everything's going to be alright. Just try to relax. Do you hear me?"

 _It's gonna be alright._ The words echoed in Dean's head. He looked at the officer and shook his head. Later he wasn't even able to tell which colour his hair was. He blinked fast to force back the tears that began to form in his eyes.

„Can I be alone with him for a while?" Dean asked hoarsely.

„Are you sure this is a good ide-", the man stopped talking as soon as his eyes met the hunter's glare.

„Of course", he assured quickly „Take as much time as you need to say goodbye."

The officer exited the pathology and left Dean alone with Sam's body. He remained on the floor for a while before standing up, his legs shaking heavily as he walked towards his brother again.

„If you think you can check out on me that easily I will prove you wrong! You hear me?

-Why, Sam? Why did you do that you idiot?"

But why was he asking, anyways? He knew it. It was his, Dean's, fault. It was his own goddamn fault and he couldn't do anything about it. _I think it should be you burning up there._ There was no way to deny it. He took every opportunity to remind Sam of all the times he had screwed up. He had never let him forget his faults. He pushed his brother towards suicide and now it was too late.

Dean gently stroked Sam's long shaggy hair and moved it out of his hair he used to joke about. Now tears made their ways down his face and landed on his brother's forehead. He didn't even try to stop them from falling.

After a while he did something he should have done earlier. He had completely forgotten that he was not the only person who cared about Sam Winchester.

„Cas?", he whispered. „Cas, please I need you. It's Sam. He-"

He couldn't say it but it wasn't necessary anyways. The sound of wings behind him told him that the angel arrived. Dean didn't turn around. He didn't want to tell or show the result of his actions to Cas. The moment Castiel arrived Dean nearly regretted calling him at all.

„Dean, what's wrong? Can I do anyth-" The angel stopped once he noticed that they were at the pathology.

„What happened? Who-" but Dean turned around, revealing his red rimmed eyes to the angel.

Castiel gently pushed him out of the way to get to the stiff body lying behind the man. He didn't know what he'd expected. There was no way that any other person could make Dean act the way he did. This was also the only explanation to the fact that not both brothers were standing next to him.

He still wasn't prepared for what he saw. He looked down at Sam Winchester's face. It was dead pale but also looked so peaceful that he appeared to be sleeping. Cas searched for any signs revealing the cause of death and discovered the long gashes on Sam's arms. He gasped briefly and turned his eyes back at Dean, almost afraid to ask.

„Was it a ghoul or something like that?", he questioned, already knowing his question was nonsense. Dean just shook his head in response but remained silent and Castiel knew enough about humanity and Sam in particular to figure out what must have happened. He felt tears in his own eyes now as he looked at the dead boy again. He had lost many of his brothers and sisters through the time of his existence. But this was different.

„Sam what have you done?" he asked quietly.

„He did nothing! It was us. Me! He thought we don't care about him anymore for God's sake! Why the hell would he think something like that? After all we've been through? After everything that happened?"

Dean nearly screamed at the angel now. He turned around and slammed his hand against the wall to prevent himself from punching Cas in the face.

„Dean I am-" Castiel started.

„Don't you dare! Don't you dare to say that you are sorry!" Dean growled and paused for a second to calm himself down. „Just- Bring him back!"

„Dean-"

„Bring him back to me right now! I know you can! I know it! I just- I can't-" he broke off. Tears were still streaming down his face. Castiel moved towards Dean, pulled him into a hug and was glad that he didn't try to get away. After a few moments the angel pulled back and gazed at Dean.

„Dean, you know that I can't bring him back, right? I am really sorry about it and I wish I could but- I- I could visit him you know. I'm sure his soul went to heaven so I could go there and-"

„No."

„Why? I could set things right. I could tell him that we still care about him."

„Yeah right, you could. And why exactly? Damnit, it would only make him feel worse. I just can't hurt him again, you know?" he took a deep breath to collect his thoughts. „I just thought that maybe I could follow him and-"  
„No!", now Cas was the one to interrupt his friend. „Don't you even dare to think about it!" he growled.

„Why? What do I have left down here? Cas! Just think about it for a second, would you? I could be with him again, right?"

„I won't let you do this. You have so much to live for! Even without your brother you can carry on."

Dean only laughed cheerlessly.

„Yeah? Well who says that I want to?"

„You don't mean that."

„Think again!" Dean growled.

„No you don't! Look at him.", Cas pointed at Sam „Look at him and then look into my eyes and tell me that Sam would want you to follow him!"

„Who are you to tell?", Dean hissed without moving his eyes from Castiel.

„I am your friend."

„Oh really? You were Sam's friend, too. But it didn't change anything."  
Cas just stared at him, unwilling to believe what Dean planned to do.

„Dean, I'm sorry. I really am."

„Good for you!", the hunter spat, while heading towards the door.

„Dean.", but the door slammed shut behind him. Nearly running he left the building and reached the impala to hit the road. He glanced at the empty passenger's seat unwilling to admit that his brother would never sit there again. He would never be next to him again. Complaining about the music, giving him directions or details about their next hunt. It wasn't supposed to be like that. He wasn't supposed to be alone in the impala.

Meanwhile Castiel still stood in the now empty pathology. He couldn't leave Sam just like that. He still tried to wrap his mind around the fact that the younger Winchester thought that he didn't care about him. He put his hand on Sam's cheek and sighed.

„I am so sorry Sam. Forgive me for leaving you again, but I have to save your brother now. I hope you understand."

And with a last long look at Sam Winchester the angel disappeared because maybe he was able to do one thing right.

Maybe he could save Dean.


End file.
